Between the Lines

Between the Lines by David Lias Here's some odds and ends I've found recently as I rummaged through my e-mail and the mess on my desk:

The Bible According to Kids

These cute statements were written by actual students and are genuine, authentic and not re-touched or corrected:

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals.

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah.

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

The fifth commandment is to humor thy father and mother.

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.

You know you're a farmer if ?

Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.

You convince your wife that an overnight, out-of-state trip for equipment parts is a vacation.

You wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers and vacations.

You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.

You've never thrown away a five gallon bucket.

You have used baling wire to attach a license plate.

You have used a chain saw to remodel your house.

You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed populations, herbicide rate and yields on a farm you rented 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife's birthday.

You have fibbed to a mechanic about how often you greased a piece of equipment.

You have used a velvet leaf plant as toilet paper.

You have driven off the road while examining your neighbor's crops.

You have borrowed gravel from the county road to fill potholes in your driveway.

You have buried a dog and cried like a baby.

You have used a tractor front-end loader as scaffolding for roof repairs.

You've used the same knife to make bull calves steers and peel apples.

Great truths about life that little children have learned

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back; they always catch the second person.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

Don't sneeze when you get a haircut.

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

Never hold a cat and a dustbuster at the same time.

School lunches stick to the wall.

Never ask your three-year-old brother to hold a tomato.

The best place to be when you are sad is in grandma's lap.

Great truths about life that adults have learned

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.

There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it … for example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

Eat a live toad first thing every morning, and nothing worse can happen to you for the rest of the day.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

Life's golden age is when the kids are too old to need a baby-sitter and too young to borrow the car.

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