Testing of these recipes is forbidden

Testing of these recipes is forbidden By Bob Karolevitz Cooking is not my thing, but today I have two recipes, not found in your regular cookbook, which I'd like to share with you.

The first is Elephant Stew which I've never gotten Phyllis to try, probably because our guest list has never been long enough. Here are the ingredients:

1 elephant (medium size)

Salt and pepper (2 quarts each)

Brown gravy to cover (about a barrelful)

2 rabbits (optional)

Cut the elephant into bite-size pieces. This may take a while, and you may have to hire several Cuban cane-cutters with machetes to help. With luck it shouldn't take more than a couple of months.

In a sanitized dumpster, cook over a slow fire for about four weeks at 465 degrees. When tender, the delicious concoction will serve 3,800 people.

If more are expected, the two rabbits may be added. However, do this only if absolutely necessary because fine diners do not like to find a hare in their stew.

The second is a dessert-type recipe for Best Ever Fruitcake, and I'm giving it to you just as it came to me from a slightly pixilated amateur chef before he went to bed. Here's what's in it:

1 cup each of butter, white sugar and brown sugar

4 large eggs

1 cup dried fruit

1 teaspoon each of baking powder, soda and salt

Lemon juice to flavor

Mixed nuts

1 or 2 quarts whiskey

Before starting, sample the whiskey for quality. Then select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup and a glass for testing the whiskey.

To make sure the whiskey is of the highest quality, test again with a glassful. Repeat.

Now with an electrich mixer, beat the cup of butter in the large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspot of thugar and beat again.

Meanwhile, to make sure the wishkey is of the highesht quality, cry another tup. Open second quart if necesshary.

Add the arge leggs, the cup of fried druit and beat till hell won't have it. If druit getch schtuck in the beater, just pry it loosh with a drewscriver. Sample the whiskey again to check for tonscisticity.

Next shift 3 cups of salt or anything, alsho 1/2 pint of lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add a bablespoon of brown thugar or whatever color you have. Mixsh well.

Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Hee hee! Now pour the whole mesh into the boven and ake. Finish whatsh left of the whishkey and bo to ged.

Frankly, I've never tried either recipe, but they do sound interesting. However, Phyllis forbids me to test them out, especially the second one. And we're a little short of elephants right now.

© 1999 Robert F. Karolevitz

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