Bob presents ‘Bottom Dozen’ for new year

Bob presents 'Bottom Dozen' for new year By Bob Karolevitz As we approach the Year 2000, every scribe and pundit has belabored us with a Top Ten of everything and everybody.

Top Ten athletes. Top Ten news events. Top Ten world leaders. Top Ten disasters. Top Ten movie stars. Top Ten this, that and the other thing, ad nauseam.

However, you can be sure that you'll never find a Top Ten list in this column. Instead, I'm presenting my Bottom Dozen in keeping with the spirit of ho-hum journalism.

These are simple folks who didn't make it in Newsweek or the Associated Press, but they do deserve to be recognized for their unique contributions to society.

Here, then, are my choices.

Dr. Wilbert Flickert: An inveterate researcher, he finally perfected an appendix transplant. He's now working on adenoids and tonsils.

Tadeus Stepanowski: A champion gourmand, he ate 47 Polish pierogies in one sitting without getting sick.

Dotty Com (Dot for short): She thought all that e-mail was just for her.

Marvin "Sticky" Mucilage: Arrested for shoplifting, he set a new all-time record for recidivism.

John J. John: He was named after an outdoor biffy.

Ole Torkelson: Ousted from the Uff Dah chapter of the Sons of Norway for refusing to eat lutefisk, he was awarded a medal of the Save Our Cod Fish Society.

Gloria Inexcelsis: She has been recommended for sainthood because she wouldn't wear one of those Dallas Cowboys' cheerleading outfits. It exposed her midriff, she said.

Herman V. Gates: A jolly German, he drank 11 steinsful of heady brew to celebrate belatedly the destruction of the Berlin Wall. Or any other wall, for that matter.

Lucille Luckey: She won $97 from a nickel slot machine and didn't put it all back.

George Wilson Bush: A grocer from Schenectady, he thought he might run for president because he had name familiarity � but he was afraid he couldn't answer the questions.

Ben Hadd: He traded all his Pok�mon cards for hula hoops.

Sig R. Rett: Nobody could tell him he shouldn't quit smoking. His funeral is next Tuesday.

There you have 'em, my Bottom Dozen. Admittedly, none will make a Top Ten list anywhere, but at least they've been memorialized here.

I suppose I'll be criticized by my fellow columnists for making fun of their time-honored tradition � especially as we near the end of the millennium � but I don't care. Making a Top Ten list is what you do when you don't have anything else to write about � like reporting political polls.

Of course, there might be those who demand that sort of thing, so I hope I've satisfied all three of my faithful readers by releasing my Bottom Dozen. It's the least I could do.

© 1999 Robert F. Karolevitz

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