Weight war starts with Battle of the Bulge by Bob Karolevitz �The doctor says I should lose a few pounds,� I told Phyllis.
�Huh,� she countered, �I�ve been telling you that for months, and it doesn�t cost you a trip to the medical clinic either.�
�Yes, but his is a professional opinion,� I answered avoirdupoisly. �It didn�t come from a wife who had seen my jelly belly.�
I got the message, though. After all, I have six pairs of trousers which I can�t wear because I can�t zip them up and button the top button.
Thank goodness they make neckties which are the same size for skinny guys or fat ones! But I digress.
Actually we�re only talking about 10 or 12 pounds here � slightly less than a bowling ball � but I�ve got to admit that they�re gathered in one place. Around the middle, that is.
I suppose I should go on a diet, but there are so many to choose from. Phyllis says I could try the grapefruit one. But I hate grapefruit, so that�s out.
I�m also not going on the one where you drink a funny malted milk. They say it causes kidney stones, and I�ve got enough trouble without that.
Then there�s the all-protein diet, the all-carbohydrate diet and the all-everything one. They tell me they�re all fads for �crash� regimens, and the fat comes back in greater gobs when you quit.
I�m fascinated by those Before and After pictures you see in the ads, though. Those side-view profiles of the obese folds � before they begin imbibing of the magic potion ��make me feel good because I don�t protrude that much.
�It wouldn�t hurt you to walk a mile or two each day,� Phyllis counsels. �That would use up a few of those cashew calories you fatten yourself up with.�
I suppose I could, but I don�t seem to find time for it. I could jog, too, but all those sour faces on the joggers don�t appeal to me. They look like they�re in pain, and that isn�t my idea of how to stay slim.
I might just as well try liposuction, and that�s not a happy choice either.
Of course I could go the other way and become a Japanese sumo wrestler. Those four or five hundred pounds would allow me to eat all the cashews I wanted. However, I doubt if Phyllis would go for that since she already complains about the girth I�ve got.
This is a dilemma for me. I don�t think I�ll ever be svelte � life as I was on our honeymoon eons ago no matter what diet I go on. I�ll try to lose those few pounds like the doctor suggests, but I�m wondering if they�ll come off where they should.
In this technological age there is something called the Body Mass Index, which I understand is the ratio of weight to height. I don�t know what my BMI is, and I don�t care. It�s just another complication for me when all I need to do is cut out the French fries, go easy on the cashews and limit my libations.
Phyllis will just have to take me as I am if the flab comes off in the wrong places. One way or another I�m going to win this Battle of the Bulge, though. And, if I�m lucky, she might even award me a Good Conduct Medal.
� 2002 Robert F. Karolevitz