It's no snap to hook a garter belt by Bob Karolevitz Phyllis has been in the hospital � AGAIN!
This time it�s because of a blood clot in her leg, supposedly because of surgery on her hip. If we keep this up, they should name a wing for us.
She�ll be on coumadin (which also kills rats) for weeks; but, worst of all, she�s supposed to lie flat for a while.
Some people will do anything to get out of work � meanwhile the laundry keeps piling up.
Besides all that, we had to cancel our annual trek to the Glenn Miller Festival in Clarinda, IA. (It�s the 100th anniversary of his birth, so a big shin-dig was planned, with bands from all over the world.)
Phyllis said she didn�t mind going to the hospital again (where she�s made friends with all the nurses and therapists), but missing out on four days of over-dosing on String of Pearls, In the Mood and Moonlight Serenade is something else again.
Part of her treatment is wearing brown, full-length pressure stockings, which � believe me � are not a thing of beauty. In addition to their ugliness, they kept creeping down on her, to a point where they were decidedly uncomfortable and not doing the thing they were meant to do.
�What you need is an old-fashioned garter belt,� a solicitous bystander counseled. And that started a chain of events which I shouldn�t tell you about � but I will.
When a search of the hospital failed to come up with anything like the required ladies� undergarment, Phyllis got on the telephone to find that delicate unmentionable.
Her first call was to Penney�s, where the helpful clerk said �no,� she didn�t have any � �but have you tried the erotic women�s shop?�
Phyllis thanked her for her thoughtfulness, but she didn�t think an exotic garter belt was what she was looking for. Instead, she called Wal-Mart; and, sure enough, they had one.
Daughter Jill was then dispatched to get it � and, wouldn�t you know? � she came back with a frilly job which looked like it came straight out of the Victoria�s Secret catalogue.
Well, the gals decided, that would have to do.
The next question: Who would hook it up?
Unfortunately, I was there, and I was forthwith volunteered for the job.
Let me tell you this: there are a lot of things which a husband is called on to do, but fastening a garter belt, especially a ribbon-bedecked flimsy one, is not high on the priority list.
On top of everything else, a nurse came in while I was fumbling with those tiny buttons, and she almost doubled over with laughter.
�Oh, how I wish I had a camera!� she chortled, as I went on with my husbandly chore � albeit red-faced. In the meantime, Jill and a visiting nun giggled outside the door.
Suffice to say, I completed my mission, and I�m happy to say my handiwork kept her socks up. I�ll never hear the end of it, however.
Those who beheld the garter belt episode couldn�t wait to share the story with others. To them it was funny ha-ha; to me it was anything but.
I wonder if Medicare pays for erotica?
� 2004 Robert F. Karolevitz