They're a phoney part of the big celebration which begins with the clanging of pots and pans somewhere around 11:59 on December 31st and ends hours later with swollen heads and a firm resolve of "I'll never do that again!"
That leads to the phenomenon of New Year's resolutions, although lots of folks set unreachable goals on the first of January without the benefit of funny hats and silly noise-makers.
I was among the latter group this year (we went to bed long before midnight), and the next day I resolved never to eat what I didn't like.
I recorded it in a form which I wouldn't forget. It follows:
R is for rutabagas, a large yellow root vegetable, also known as a Swedish turnip.
E is for emu which I don't raise because the drumsticks are too large.
S is for salami with spices so hot that they burn going down.
O is for olives (black) which don't do a thing for a drink.
L is for limburger cheese, which is sour milk gone rotten.
U is for umbles, entrails used for making humble pie.
T is for turtle soup and tiger meat (which Phyllis won't let me have).
I is for iguana because I don't eat lizards.
O is for oatmeal because it once made me sick.
N is for neck bones (chicken) because they stick in my teeth. Also for numerous other things which I won't mention here.
S is for sauerkraut which is cabbage gone bad, a lot like Korean kimchee, a national dish which will never replace hot dogs.
Put them altogether they spell resolutions; and I'm sure I'll keep them well past February when other commitments usually fade away.
I could have made it much simpler by just turning up my nose at the gastronomical no-nos, but I wanted to make it something I would remember for a long, long time. Consequently I used the initial technique to jog my memory.
(It also gave me another column on a slow week. It seems I'll do anything to insure that I'd meet a deadline.)
And speaking of deadlines, this is the 1,193rd time I've written my weekly article without a duplication � including hospital stays and being on the road. It was almost 23 years ago that I promised to do "one or two" � and just look what I've started!
It goes to show you that you shouldn't say "yes" unless you're prepared to go the whole way � like marriage, for instance.
How about that? All that advice and New Year's resolutions, too!
� 2006 Robert F. Karolevitz