I repeat. This is a piece of fiction, sent to me by a friend. What's troubling, however, is this bit of whimsy almost seems to be true.
FAA bans people from flights
?Zero Tolerance for People,' Chertoff Says
In a move aimed at further tightening airport security, the US Federal Aviation Administration and the Homeland Security Agency announced today that it would ban all people from flights leaving or entering the United States of America, effective immediately.
The FAA, which has in the past banned such objects as toenail clippers and hair gel, took the extraordinary step of banning people after the Department of Homeland Security conducted a thorough investigation of all previous terror plots.
"We looked at terror plots of the past, and in each and every case, people were involved," said Homeland Security Michael Chertoff at a Washington press briefing. "These new rules send the strong message that America has zero tolerance for people."
Mr. Chertoff said that while banning liquids from flights was a constructive step, the only true solution was to ban people altogether.
"Let's face it, hair gel doesn't kill people," he said. "People kill people."
The Homeland Security Secretary acknowledged that the new rules would curtail Americans' ability to travel, but added, "On the plus side, that will make them easier for us to spy on them."
The FAA's ban on people out-board flights raises questions for U.S. national airlines, which must now ponder what, if anything, their airplanes will be carrying.
But Davis Logsdon, who studies the airline industry at the University of Minnesota, said that the FAA's crackdown on people could be a "win-win" for the airlines: "Maybe if the airlines don't have people to worry about, they can finally concentrate on getting "our" luggage to the right destination."
Elsewhere, al-Qaeda disavowed responsibility for a terror plot to make Americans' laptops burst into flames, blaming it instead on Dell & its Zionist investors.
In a related story, Canadian Prime Minister Stephan Harper has announced Canada will soon implement a similar strategy as part of its domestic and foreign policy "linkage" with the US.
The Conservative Party of Canada has announced it will no longer have any dealings with people who fly as part of their policy of staying in-step with the Republican Party.
U.S. Conservative commentator and Fox News anchor Bill O'Reilly says he will work to extend the ban to trains, buses and cars.