"That would make a perfect column for you," she suggests, as I give her the glazed-eye look, which means, I do not agree with her idea.
I swore many months ago that I would never use that computer garbage just to get a column. After all, they are mostly one-liners, like: "No man has ever been shot while doing dishes." Or "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car."
And the one-liners often are a rehash of stuff I'd seen lots of times before, like:
"Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks." Or "A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good."
That's when Phyllis called my attention to an e-mail she received from Dr. Mal Jameson, which he had gotten from Don Schiedel.
The title of the letter was "This got me pumped UP today" and it was about the two-letter word UP and how we use it in our daily lives.
"Aha," I said. "That's something I could use for my column," and so I unswore my decision not to use anything from the Internet.
Here is what Mal wrote:
"It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
"At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election? And why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
"We call UP our friends – and we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house, and some guys fix UP the old car.
"At other times the little word has a real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite and think UP excuses.
"To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special. And this UP is confusing: a drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
"We open UP a store in the morning, but we close it UP at night. When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.
"If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more."
Then Mal said he'd wrap it UP because his time was UP so he'd shut UP.
Meanwhile, lest I screw UP – or be UP a creek without a paddle – I will bring this little linguistic piece to a close. Let's see – in my UP list I could use UP town, UP end, UP beat, etc., etc.
© 2006 Robert F. Karolevitz