Readers! Lend Bob your ears

Readers! Lend Bob your ears
"What are you going to write about this week?" Phyllis asked me.

"I don't rightly know," I said. "I'll think of something when I sit down."

"But," she responded to my remark, "doesn't sitting down cut off circulation to your brain?"

I chose to ignore that obvious remark.

"I think I'll write about ears," I said. "I don't think I've done that in the 1,279 columns I've written for Writer-at-Large so far."

(I had committed myself, so here goes.)

Ears are those funny looking things on each side of your head and give you something to hook your glasses on. They also keep your hat from sliding down over your eyes.

(Don't I sound like one of the three boys whose essays I shared with you last week?)

Ears are to hear with, to wash behind and provide perfect handles for moms to discipline their unruly kids.

Rabbit ears are for bunnies to notice approaching danger, and corn ears are what they decorate the Corn Palace with.

An earwig is a small insect with pincer-like parts on its tail, and according to an old wives' tale, they are often found in your ears ��thus, the name.

That's where earwax builds up to plug your hearing aids and gives audiologists something to do.

You've probably noticed that I haven't mentioned earrings. That's because I don't wear them like so many professional athletes do. It's not unusual to see a giant tackle with a tine diamond in his ear. They've got to spend all that money some place!

I haven't talked about earflaps and earmuffs, which will soon come in handy with winter approaching. And an eardrum isn't something an person with a club pounds on relentlessly. Or a modern-day Gene Krupa plays a triple paradiddle on.

There are lots of other things I could tell you about ears, but that would be like gilding the lily. Suffice it to say, at least I got a column out of the subject.

"You must be sitting on your brains to come up with that one," Phyllis chided. "If you think people will like that, you are an earshot away from reality."

She can say what she wants, but I believe that ears are important and deserve a place in literature. Even William Shakespeare wrote: "Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears!"

© 2007 Robert F. Karolevitz

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