Phyllis takes fall for the column

Phyllis takes fall for the column
I told Phyllis to go out and do something dumb because I need something to write about.

And being the dutiful wife, she did!

Of course, I didn't mean for her to make a supreme sacrifice, but she did, and here's how it happened.


I was sitting at the diningroom table – as I am wont to do – when I heard a terrible KERPLUNK. Being a mite curious, I thought I should check it out.

And what did I find but Phyllis face down on the kitchen floor. Her glasses (unbroken) lay at her head, and I was tempted to say (but I didn't, thank goodness): "When I asked you to do something dumb, I didn't mean for you to go this far!"

Then, when I went over to help her up, I could see that she wasn't just playing. She REALLY did fall, tripping over something or other in a hurry to get back to the pie she was making.

By the way, she was carrying a 5-pound bag of sugar when she fell. Fortunately, it didn't break open or we would have had a very sweet mess to clean up. It would have been worse if she had been toting one of her apple pies!

I got her to her feet O.K., and then I saw it! Her left eye was already swelling shut, and I could tell she was going to have a peach of a shiner – like a prize fighter who zigged when he should have zagged. Her cheek would be black and blue, too.

I had a vision of being arrested for spousal abuse, but I swear I had nothing to do with her nosedive. After all, the affected area was fist-sized, and I had seen on television a guy being convicted on less evidence than that.

We checked her over for broken bones and found none. But we learned later in a visit to the hospital emergency room that she also had a cracked rib. She couldn't laugh, cough or sneeze without it hurting big time, but the good medic said it would heal by itself – if she wasn't a go-go dancer or a halfback for the Minnesota Vikings.

Her face is getting back to near-normal now. She didn't try to hide it and went on with her life. I think that she sort of enjoyed the notoriety as everybody who saw her asked: "What happened to you?" The razzing continued nonstop. Of course, I didn't say anything.

If I could get that much attention by falling on my face, my capillaries would get a real workout! (Wikipedia encyclopedia says bruises are caused by broken capillaries which allow blood to seep into the surrounding tissues).

All I know is that I won't ask her again to do something dumb because she might do it. Then I'd have to write about it as my part of the bargain.

Her going KERPLUNK once is enough for me. I guess I'll have to make it a rule to get my column material elsewhere.

© 2007 Robert F. Karolevitz

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