With voice so brisk,
I owe my age
One of the responsibilities of getting along in years is to be able to pass on your secret of longevity to upcoming generations — I call it "geriatricks!"
This is not a duty to be taken lightly. When the time comes, you can't just add a feeble platitude. All of which means that it's never too soon to assemble the words which will best describe your remedy for survival.
Ben Franklin once said: "Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise." Folksy medical advice of the apple-a-day variety is old hat, unless you give it a new twist.
Your secret must be colorful and creative, maybe even titillating enough to get you on the Jay Leno Show.
You've got to be able to attribute your many years to something exotic like black-strap molasses, collard greens, goose grease rubs, a wee nip of white lightning before every meal or a daily dip in the river (even in the dead of winter.)
To help prepare your own provocative formula, I've collected a few of so-called secrets other centenarians have revealed:
"I owe my success to hard work; I've avoided it religiously all my life."
"One bath a week is enough for anyone. I've known some folks who danged near scrubbed their skins off and I've outlived them all."
"Drink plenty of sassafras tea, keep the epsom salts handy and never eat white bread."
"I've chased girls since I was 14. I never caught any, but the exercise kept me fit and healthy."
Now those are the kinds of pithy statements which will endear you to the press and the seekers of wise counsel. They ring true!
Things are so commercialized these days that it's now possible to capitalize financially on making it to 90 or 100. Not long ago an old timer was asked what his secret was, and he replied:
"I can't rightly say now because I'm still dickering with two vitamin companies and one big distillery."
With the average life span increasing year by year, you never know who might be one of the lucky ones. That's why I'm preaching preparedness.
Right now I'm personally working on a very simple prescription of my own:
"If you eat an apple every day for a hundred years, you're sure to live a long, long time."
© 2009 Robert F. Karolevitz