Red Skelton never used blue humor

It was way back in 1977 when we saw Red Skelton in Mitchell and I can still remember what he talked to us about humor.

"Keep it clean, and always end with a big smile and the words: 'God Bless.'"

(At least I remember it that way when he met us at the Mitchell Corn Palace.)

Then he rattled off a variety of things he said about his wife:

"Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship … she goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays."

"We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas."

"I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back."

"I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested the kitchen."

"We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops."

"She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said 'There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!' So I bought her an electric chair."

"My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, 'In the lake.'"

"She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off."

"She ran after the garbage truck, yelling 'Am I too late for the garbage?' The drive said 'No, jump in!'"

"Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce."

"I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her."

"The last fight was my fault though.  My wife asked 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust!'"

I liked what he said, but Phyllis has her own ideas about a perfect marriage. I suppose I should accept her recipe instead of Red Skelton's, especially when he said: "I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always."  

© 2010 Robert F. Karolevitz

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