If you've never had to move a mattress, these comments today are not for you.
Instead, I'm talking to all you poor unfortunate folks who at one time or another have had to wrestle with one of the world's most unmanageable objects.
I'm convinced that mattress manufacturers and mattress designers are really diabolical fiends out to destroy the physical well-being and emotional stability of the best of us.
They probably get up on the wrong side of the bed each morning. Then go to their factories to plot new ways to make their Beauty Rests and King Koils even more difficult to carry than before.
I think producing a mattress without handles is a despicable crime. But what's even worse is to have handles, only located in places where they do absolutely no good. They offer nothing but false hope and dandy opportunities for hernia repair.
It's my opinion that people who design those ill-placed handles either are the products of poor potty training in their youthful years or were the victims of some sort of misadventure having to do with a mattress.
Now I fully understand that mattresses have to be the necessary shape to fit a bed and thick enough to be comfortable, but in a nation where we've got sufficient brains to make patriot missiles and microwave popcorn, we certainly should be able to solve the mattress maneuverability mystery.
I told Phyllis that the next time we have to move a mattress, I'm going to use ice tongs or hay hooks. I'm tired of having my hands slide up and down the edges looking for a place to grab a hold.
Actually, I've got an easy solution. The government should require all manufacturers to make mattresses with retractable wheels like they have on airplanes or how about two loops on one edge through which a long pole can be inserted. That way two people,with the pole on their shoulders can carry a mattress like they were returning from an African Safari hunt.
I know this problem isn't quite as critical as the national deficit but at the actual moment when one is in the throes of moving a mattress, it does approach the magnitude of World War III.
I think there should be a patron saint for mattress movers, someone to pray to or, better yet, someone to perform miracles.
I agree that pianos, refrigerators, sofas, obese drunks and new-born calves all have their special impediments in the carrying department, but as heavy and unwieldy as they my be, they don't hold a candle to the miseries of moving a mattress.
And that gives me a good idea!
The next time I'm called upon to transport that detestable collection of lumps on my beddy-bye, I'll just hold a candle to it and then call in the local firefighters.
That's the only way to handle a mattress. You've got to gang up on it!
© 2010 Robert F. Karolevitz